My Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️💫

Title: With Thoughts of Jason

Author: Caleb A. Mertz

Format: eBook

Pages: 250

Publication Date: 10/15/25 (first published 8/7/06)

Publisher: MerCali

Buy Link: Amazon

Categories: Fiction, Queer

Disclaimer: **I received this book free from the author in exchange for an honest review.  All thoughts and opinions are my own.**

**He never wanted to be a secret, but in this town, secrets keep you alive**.

Jason has fantasized about being struck by lightning more than once. This time, after being outed by his now former best friend.

But betrayal yields refuge in a circle of misfits, just as the isolation becomes unbearable. Among them is Tameera with her fierce honesty, Abby who revels in her protective loyalty and the magnetic but reckless Danny whose eyes glint with the dangerous possibility of love. Laughter in smoky rooms, nights stitched together by music and magic, and the fleeting thrill of love makes Jason feel safe.

Yet secrets linger in every corner of this town threatening Jason’s newfound peace. When he discovers the truth his high school tormentor would kill to keep hidden, will his chosen family be enough to protect him—or will the truth cost him his life?

*With Thoughts of Jason* is a haunting portrait of youth and desire, of friendship and betrayal, and of the brutal silence that society demands of those who don’t fit the mold.

Content Warning: mention of suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, bullying, death, drug use (weed), mentions of other drugs, smoking, drinking, animal death

Jason is in high school and dealing with a few things. He’s gay, but in the closet. He is bullied at school, and raised in a Pentecostal home without a father. This story follows his life as someone who experiences his first encounters with a boy, making friends and learning who to trust, and trying to find love. I liked seeing him make friends and expanding his world, and eventually meeting other queer people. His growth was a journey I was invested in.

I felt like the start of this story is really eye-opening and makes a statement about who Jason is and how he has his first experience as a gay boy. I felt like the scenes of him hanging out with friends and partying was relatable and gave me a sense of nostalgia because you could tell this was before social media. And I’m glad Jason had his friends but it was sad that he had no support at home. He had no real bond with his brother, sister and mother. All Jason wanted was to be love and be loved in return.

There are a few topics and themes discussed in this story and some of them are dark. There is suicidal thoughts and attempts, there is bullying, and violence. And I had to remind myself that Jason was young, he was only in high school, trying to survive. There was a dangerous undercurrent to Jason’s life that I could feel throughout the story and I think it’s important that it’s there to give the reader a sense of what queer people may be feeling by being who they are. And it’s not okay that they cannot feel safe in society.

This was a quick read but there were a few times in the story where I felt like I missed something. I think because there is so much that happens to Jason in one year and sometimes the transition from one event to another wasn’t smooth.

Final Thoughts:

This is a heartbreaking, coming of age story about a boy named Jason who is trying to figure life out while being gay, and with no support from his family. There were so many times that his life took a turn for the worse, but through it all he did have some friends to help – and I loved that he at least had that. This story is eye opening, tragic and definitely an important one to tell.

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